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shop. [laughter] it's chuck hagel's first day as secretary of defense. tomorrow we start the two-month confirmation process for his second day of work. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, good to have you with us. please, sit down. [cheers and applause] folks, we have to do the show. [cheers and applause] folks -- [cheers and applause] if you watch this program, and i certainly hope that you do, you know that if nothing else i'm a company man. and i could not be prouder that this show is a profitmaking tsunami for my parent company viacom. [laughter] make no mistake, i am the reason ceo philippe daumann can afford his daily saffron and rosewater scrotum dips. [laughter] fresh as a daisy, sir. fresh as a daisy. [ laughter ] so when corporate calls and says, "steveo we need a sponsor integration for halls mentholyptus on your show tonight," i say, "am
fears about obama were confirmed when he appointed as secretary of defense former senator and man who just learned his dog died-- chuck hagel. [laughter] hagel has a history of troubling statements. he once said the jewy lobby intimidate dates a lot people and i'm not an israeli senator i'm a united states senator. clearly this man doesn't understand that when it comes to israel, there are certain things you can't say. for instance, implying that there are certain things you can't say. which there aren't. you can say anything you want about israel, which i would, if there was anything to say. but there isn't. so there's nothing to be said. how dare hagel say it. now the administration's gonna make a big dilly-o about the fact that while he's over there, obama is going to get israel's highest civilian honor, the "presidential medal of distinction." but it's not that great, once you eat the chocolate. [laughter] and i'm not the only one who's suspicious of obama's committment to israel. so is the prime minister benjamin netanyahu. during the 2012 campaign, netanyahu all but endorsed oba
? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully, today 15 republican senators demanded the withdrawal of hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. senate republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in hagel's past. for instance, he was once a senate republican. [laughter] and now, according to conservative news anger-gregator breitbart.com, hagel may have taken money from an organization called "friends of hamas." friends of hamas! that's serious! being friends with a muslim terrorist is a big commitment. you've got to be a groomsman in all four of their weddings. i mean, the suicide vest rentals alone! [laughter] folks, this bombshell lit up the conserv-osphere. >> let me bring up one piece of information that ben shapiro at breitbart put out today, which is one of the foreign funders behind senator hagel that he has not yet disclosed formally is something called friends of hamas. >> you know i saw that information today, also, and that is more and more concerning. >> there was a report that
yesterday from the international space station-- the first and only line of defense against terror from the sky. >> so what we're going to do, we're gonna open up our tortilla, get our peanut butter, squirt it on the tortilla, get the honey squirt that on there, and we will have a peanut butter and honey sandwich in space. hmm-- not too bad. [laughter] >> stephen: oh well. it's like the old saying, the world ends not with a bang, but with a light snack. [laughter] nation, four years ago-- thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the new york stock exchange bottomed out at less than 6500. but today-- no thanks to obama's socialist policies-- the dow is back! >> a history-making day on wall street. >> the dow industrials as well as the s&p 500 closed at their highest point in five years. the dow ended just under 14,036. >> stephen: 14,036. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, 14,036 do you units. downtons? i don't have to tell you what that means. do i? [laughter] i don't, good. and america has got a lot to show for all that dow-ing. >> one way to look at the stock market is as a gia
Search Results 0 to 13 of about 14 (some duplicates have been removed)

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